Don’t Be a Doormat: Part 2
Healthy Boundaries to Stop People Pleasing
READ: Ephesians 6:6-9
Here it is: Serve the Lord with your whole heart. Do not serve to please others, but serve others as if they were Jesus, pointing them to Him rather than yourself. He is the true Way Maker and Miracle Worker, not us. God never stops working. We burn out, grow tired, become overwhelmed, which turns into bitterness. We are not made to do and be all things to people.
Setting healthy boundaries for yourself not only helps you, but it also helps others learn the practice of problem-solving and have the dignity to say they figured it out. Even if it was through encouraged prayer and your support to process their need, they learned a healthier way to deal with their issue without you fixing it for them. If you people please, you could be stealing their chance to feel uncomfortable and unhappy, which in turn directs them to God. I know that sounds mean, and that could be why you have the need to please and rescue. You most likely have a kind heart that wants to see people happy. If a person is happy all the time, would that person feel the need to seek God for help?
A great example is the conversation about the need for a cell phone with children. My oldest son, now age 33, participated in nearly every sport or club available during his school years. At that time, cell phones were just starting to gain popularity, mostly among businesspeople rather than children. There were no smartphones yet, but they provided access to the outside world right at your fingertips. My son was transitioning into high school and was on the wrestling team. The school office secretary would leave before practice ended, which meant that if the team finished early and needed a ride, they would have to wait. The kids, hungry and tired, just wanted to go home instead of sitting around. This was especially frustrating on bad weather days, as they would have to leave the building once practice was over and then be stuck outside waiting.
For a few years, we struggled to say “no” to our son about getting a cell phone. Eventually, we found ourselves allowing him to have one for the sake of convenience and safety. We purchased a phone with the understanding that on days without practices or games, Mom would keep the phone to help prevent any misuse. Many of his friends already had cell phones, and he would often use theirs to call me after practice in junior high. High school presented a different situation, and we recognized that change. Throughout our “no” phase, we knew we remained on his “you guys are so mean” list. However, we believe that our consistency in setting what we viewed as a healthy boundary during that time has influenced his parenting style with his own child. We recognize the benefits it has in how the child observes authority in a loving way, how they see we love them by helping them make good decisions for themselves, even if it is a disappointment at times.
In my previous blog, “Don’t Be a Doormat: Part 1,” I discussed what people-pleasing looks like. Now, I want to share the process of setting healthy boundaries to avoid repeating the unhealthy behaviors associated with people-pleasing by using the “no” and “yes” life example situation.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR PEOPLE PLEASING
#1: Awareness
Recognizing when you say “yes” when you should actually say “no” is the first step toward the process of establishing healthy boundaries. Once you become aware that you are trying to fix things, please others, or do things solely for personal gain or praise, take a moment to stop and practice the next step!
“If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else,” (Galatians 6:3-4 NIV)
#2: Reflection
Have you ever wondered why it can be so difficult to say "no," even when we know it's the healthier choice? Taking a personal inventory and examining the reasons behind our choices is an important part of assessing our motives as Christians. Reflection helps ensure that our will is aligned with God's will.
“Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you-unless, of course, you fail the test?” (2 Corinthians 13:5 NIV)
Reflection Questions:
What are you worried would happen if you said “no”? Why?
What is the outcome you are hoping for? Why?
Why are you eager to please the other person?
We are not talking about doing things for others out of love. It is when the reason becomes unhealthy for you or enables them to get what they want in an unhealthy way at your expense.
#3: Acknowledge
Admit to yourself the reason you are choosing to please people and acknowledge its power over your decision to make a healthy boundary. Admit your “why” to your people pleasing.
You can make healthier choices and still support others in a more life-giving way if your intentions come from a place of a genuine servant heart. When we admit our unhealthy habits and recognize what healthy habits look like, we are showing glory to God in our actions.
Seek God’s help to recognize our reasons. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.” (Lamentations 3:40 NIV)
#4: Personal Space
Create a healthy and safe plan for the next time.
Play a past scenario through in your head:
a. What was the person asking of you?
b. Did they really ask for your help, or did you jump in and offer before they asked? Why?
c. What would you do differently?
d. If this happened again, what is your plan to create a life-giving attitude versus the inner intentions to please? e. What would be helpful to both of you?
#5: Practice
Practice saying "no" and evaluate how it felt and process it.
Ask God to give you the courage and His strength to do what is healthy. Celebrate when you take steps to establish healthy boundaries! It requires energy and practice to refrain from doing what we instinctively want to do.
Your aim should not be to please people. Instead of chasing after the desires of others, pursue God and strive to serve Him. Look for ways to support others that direct them to Jesus, rather than seeking personal recognition. It is unhealthy when our true intentions are to act as their fixer or rescuer; that role is not ours to assume. In all things, strive to give glory and honor to the eternal team: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” (James 1:5 NIV)
#6: Repeat
Practice, practice, practice! Practice and repeat until it feels natural to say "no" when necessary. Give thanks to God for helping you through the process.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1 Corinthians 10:12 NIV)
When you find yourself falling back into the people-pleasing trap, start the cycle all over again.
YOU’VE GOT THIS!
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” (Psalm 28:7 NIV)
